Letting Go

Letting Go

Touko trotted down the hall. She hummed softly to herself as the wood creaked slightly beneath her.
“N!” she called into the empty halls. Her voice was met with silence. Touko gave a short huff.
That guy...where is he now? she thought, irritation prickling in the back of her mind. She walked by a room with its door slightly ajar.
When she heard muffled crying, she halted, and backtracked. She peeked into the darkened room.
She saw a figure hunched over on the bed, their frame shaking.
Touko slowly pushed the door open.
“N…?” she asked softly. She walked to the bed and stood next to him. As she put her hand on his shoulder, he jumped.
“T-Touko!” he sputtered. He quickly wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
“N, what’s the matter?” she asked, concerned.
N hastily looked away.
“Nothing…” he mumbled, his hand starting to move away from Touko.
Touko looked down at his hand.
“Are those scissors?” she exclaimed.
“I was just-“ N started.
She snatched them away from him.
“I told you to be careful with scissors! Don’t just lay them on the bed like that! What were you even gonna do with them?”
N looked ready to cry again.
“I-I was just gonna…” he stuttered.
“Gonna what?” Touko pressed.
“I was going to cut my hair…” N looked away, his face full of guilt.
Touko stared at him.
“Cut your hair? Why on earth would you want to cut your hair?!” she almost shouted in her surprise.
N flinched. Touko looked at the expression on his face, and her eyes softened.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shouted,” she said gently. “But why would you want to cut your hair? It’s fine the way it is.”
“I was…thinking. I noticed my hair had gotten long, and I realized I hadn’t cut it since I was little. I wanted to cut it and…then I started thinking about when I was little and…” his voice trailed off, trembling slightly. He shook his head.
“It’s nothing. I wasn’t thinking,” he said.
Touko sat down on the bed, and took his hand in hers.
“N, I know you’re not telling me something. You don’t have to hide anything anymore.”
N shut his eyes, as if he was trying to block out all the memories Touko knew were obviously flowing back to him.
“I…don’t want to remember…”
“If you keep them inside, you’ll feel worse,” Touko told him.
N bit his lip. Then, the words came pouring out like a waterfall.
“At times, when I’m alone, whether it’s at night, or you go off somewhere, I remember. I remember…what Ghetsis would do to me. Every bad moment in my childhood. I have nightmares often. They’ve become almost every night. I can’t sleep…”
Touko was silent as he continued.
“In my dreams…I see the injured Pokémon I met during my childhood. I remember their pained cries, their shut hearts. I see…I-I see h-him. He won’t leave me alone, not even in my dreams! Why can’t I escape him, Touko?”
His head dropped, and his arms and hands trembled.
“Why…? Why can’t I forget…?” he whispered.
Touko was silent for several moments.
“How long have you been keeping this inside?” she asked.
“A long time,” N admitted.
He looked down.
“I’m terrified. What if he comes back and hurts me? Or you?” he asked in a shaky voice.
Touko brushed some of N’s hair out of his face.
“You know he won’t. Mei helped make sure of that. He’s off somewhere far away, his heart lost. He won’t come and hurt you anymore,” she assured N.
N nodded, but he still looked troubled, as if he still had some unspoken words on his tongue, longing to say them, but couldn’t.
“Why?” Touko asked. N looked up at her.
“Why didn’t you tell me? Are you…scared?” she had to ask.
N hesitated before answering.
“I was worried you wouldn’t want to listen to my troubles. I don’t want to seem like I’m dwelling on the past. I was scared you wouldn’t care. I…I was scared you…” he couldn’t go on.
Touko put her fingers under N’s chin and gently lifted his head up. Blue eyes gazed into gray.
“I would never do that, ever. You mean too much to me. I know what you went through in your childhood was unimaginably difficult. You didn’t deserve it. Everything you dealt with by Ghetsis’ hand, you didn’t deserve any of that, and I am sorry from the bottom of my heart that it happened to you. I cannot blame you for sometimes dwelling on it. Memories like that aren’t so easy to forget sometimes.”
She looked intently at him, her face serious.
“But I want you to understand something. I will NEVER brush off what you say. I promise I’ll listen to whatever you have to say, and I promise you, I PROMISE you N, that I will never leave you alone.”
She gently placed her forehead against his.
“I love you too much to do that,” she murmured.
N placed a shaky hand on hers and gripped her hand tightly.
“You really mean that…?” he whispered.
“Yes. You don’t have to hide anything around me.”
N’s face contorted, and he suddenly buried his face in her shoulder and burst into tears.
Touko put her arms around N and pulled him into a tight hug.
His body shook as he drew in tortured breaths between sobs. Touko gently rubbed his back.
“It’s alright. I’m here,” she murmured.
Her shirt became soaked with tears, but she didn’t mind at all.
He’s carried these thoughts with him for so long…How long? How long has he longed to tell someone, but swallowed his fears and doubts?
N grasped the back of her shirt.
“Please…d-don’t leave me,” he mumbled into her chest.
Touko gave N a little squeeze.
“Never,” she promised.
N raised his head and looked into her eyes, his own blotchy and red.
His face was red and tear-streaked, but Touko had never seen him so relieved.
“Thank you…Touko. Thank you for everything,” N said. He leaned against her shoulder.
Touko leaned her head on top of his. She closed her eyes and smiled, his hand in hers.
You know…” she said after a long while of silence.
“Your hair IS getting a little unruly. How about I give it a trim?” she asked him.
“I’d like that,” N replied.